Welcoming Harry to the PurposeFused family!

6 Tips to get through the sleep-deprivation nights of infant-hood.

Thankfully, unlike our first-born experience with Hudson, welcoming our second son Harry to the world, was trauma-free! Other than a last-minute change of hospital and Dr. which was unsettling (to say the least), it was the experience my wife deserved, the one you hope for – to be able to hold your newborn child a few minutes after they are born, and spend quality bonding time with them soon thereafter. That said, the overall logistics were somewhat more complicated now, given Hudson (who turned 3 years, 4 days prior) in the required day / night time support and was starting pre-school just a few days later.

I’ve often referred to (tongue in cheek) how the challenges of parenthood must be one of humanity’s best kept secrets, as otherwise, the human population would fizzle! Don’t get me wrong, I love kids and spent 60% of my career committed to developing them. I love my kids completely, they are the most incredible gift to be nurtured. However, I believe it’s still fair to say that parenthood and especially the very early infant-hood, sleep deprivation stages offers some of life’s most amazing and brutal experiences, intertwined. Hence the purposeful paradox of parenthood!

Let’s consider the baby for a start.

They are a force of nature – born to survive, yet completely dependent upon us to do so. They have an innate strength and ability to grow and develop so quickly and yet are incredibly delicate. Every day is different, new experiences, new things to absorb, focus on, touch, feel and smell, but they benefit from routine and consistency. They are either 100% present and in the moment with no fear, concern or anxiety – just expressing their emotions; or peacefully asleep. They are beautifully innocent and yet somehow able to take control of the household in just a few days (and we thought Hudson had us whipped)!

Then there’s the toddler.

He was so excited to meet is little brother, yet simultaneouslycraving our attention. He understood where his brother came from but asked his Mum upon visiting the hospital, why her tummy wasn’t little again (gotta love that one – have it on video, which is pure gold). He went from 80% stay-at-home with Mum-time, to a fraction of that between babysitters, daddy-time and a new school. He’s done brilliantly overall for such a considerable amount of change in such a small time, and essentially the vast majority of fears we had were all in our heads – not his!

That brings us, to us.

We go from 100% engagement to complete exhaustion. From devoted love and connection to snippy words and isolation. From optimizing productivity, connections & experiences, to shutting down the hatches, for survival mode. If you like – back to Maslow’s basics….that is except for the basic need of sleep!

So how do we get through this paradoxical change over multiple weeks (come months) with ~50% of the sleep we’re used to? How do we continue to operate, to work, to take care of the house, each other, and ourselves, without losing the plot? Honestly, I’m not completely sure I know but I can offer a few practical insights from my limited but thoughtful experience.

To me, it comes down to realizing the ultimate sense of meaning. There’s nothing more meaningful than welcoming a new human being to the world, there’s no responsibility so immense, that we’re fully committed to – doing whatever we have to do to make the most of that responsibility, no matter how hard it is.

Plus, there’s nothing to ignite your purpose more than meaning. It’s your purpose that puts meaningful things into action. My purpose is to

“Create opportunities to inspire people to go-forward as the ultimate version of themselves”.

There’s no place that sentence can have more meaningful application in my life, than with my two boys.

The meaning comes from the essence behind our purpose – the impact we want to have (our direction – the difference we want to make in the world), the passions that guide us there (the experiences and connections along the way). It’s applied through our principles, and focus (how we choose to show up in the world). It’s the nuances around the application of these passions and impacts that changes during various seasons in life, and during this “get through the infant season” the application becomes fundamental, foundational and focused.

Ultimately, the impact I choose to make, would contribute to a world full of people with vitality and purpose. I know the world-level aspiration isn’t necessarily a reality but if people acted in the right way, it could be. Most importantly, I can do my part every day to ignite vitality and infuse purpose into people’s lives and that is literally my job with PurposeFused, and my role and responsibility, as a Dad.

My principles are to be real, restless (nailing that one), dynamic, connected, focused, compassionate and engaging. I apply these though my daily focus to inspire (people every day), connect (them to resources, knowledge, others) and advance (people towards their impact). So, again now – how can I inspire my two boys, connect with them fully and deeply and help them take little steps forwards (or from Harry’s perspective, just teach him how to smile)!

These things are the layers behind the practical application of my purpose – the why to my how.

From these, come 6 top tips I have noticed, that help demonstrate this seasonal application of purpose, to get us parents through the sleep deprivation stages of infant-hood:

1. Accept we are in a “season” of time. Each season has its own focus (and of course we sometime have overlapping seasons for different aspects of our lives). So for the family sphere of my life right now, during this season sleep will be low, meaningful connection will be high.
2. Narrow our focus to what matters most. Take time just for the family, be fully present and to support each member individually.
3. Identify and commit to your must haves. What are yours? You may not have too many must haves during this time but an example of one for me that I need for my own mental and physical wellbeing, is to workout. So, I kept up with 80% of my exercise routine, which somehow doesn’t seem to have suffered from minimal sleep.
4. Embrace the nice to haves when you can. I love connecting with people, being social, for instance. Hosting gatherings clearly isn’t a priority during this season rather connections have happened impromptu, in and around the local community, playing outside, going for walks, around school runs, etc. It’s been great and speaks to the power of family, friends and community and the value of human connection.
5. Catch (look for, go after) and be fully present in the positives. Outside of the usual feeding, changing, cradling of a newborn, and kicking a ball around and playing tag with my toddler, my consistent focus every day has been on getting Harry to smile. It’s magic and when he focuses on me now, we’ve nailed it. Nothing better than that to fill up the emotional tank and put things into perspective for the day.
6. Repurpose time, review & refresh. Cut out the things that don’t matter right now, to replace them with the things that do. What matters most that needs more time? What can you forfeit in the meantime? Whether that’s less evening TV to get early nights, replacing shopping, cooking and post-dinner cleaning, with ready-made meals; repurpose this time. Then, every couple of weeks, look back and work out what tweaks you want to make going forward. A few cycles of tweaks and the core season is over!

So, while my two weeks off this August weren’t at all R&R, they were obviously super fulfilling. These few practical tips helped build that fulfillment. I’m now excited to be back working again (embracing adult interaction and mental challenge) and re-activating my purpose in that sphere, while my toddler enjoys pre-school and my 2-week old takes a nap. Oh, it’s sooo quiet here right now!